Anais Nin Diary

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    August 11, 1914.~~~"Impressions of Arrival In New

    York"

    We were all dressed and on deck. It was 2 o'clock and one could vaguely see

    a city, but very far away. The sea was gray and heavy. How different fromthe beautiful sea of Spain! I was anxious to arrive, but I was sad.

    I felt a chill around my heart and I was seeing things all wrong.

    Suddenly we were wrapped in a thick fog. A torrential rain began to fall,

    thunder rumbled, lightning flashes lit the heavy black sky. The people

    promptly took refuge in the lounge. None of the Spanish passengers hadever seen weather like that, so the frightened women wept,the men prayed in

    low tones. We were not afraid.

    Maman had seen many storms and her calmness reassured us. We were the

    first to go back up on the wet deck. But the fog continued and we waited.

    It was 4 o'clock when the ship began to move again, slowly, as though she

    approached the great city with fear. Now, leaning on the railing, I couldn't

    hear anything. My eyes were fixed on the lights that drew closer, I saw the

    tall buildings, I heard the whistling of the engine, I saw a great deal ofmovement. Huge buildings went by in front of me. I hated those buildings in

    advance because they hid what I love most--flowers, birds, fields, liberty.

    Maman came up to me and took me for a walk, whispering in my ear the

    wonderful things I was going to see. But although I admire New York for itsprogress, I hate it, I find it superficial. I saw it as an ugly prison. Maman

    was still walking, but seeing that I wasn't paying the slightest attention, she

    didn't talk to me anymore, but her eyes looked worried. my head felt heavy,

    my heart seemed full enough to burst, I felt sad and unhappy.

    I envy those who never leave their native land. I wanted to cry my eyes out.

    Maman went away again and again I leaned on the railing and filled mylungs with the pure evening air. It was growing dark, we were arriving, and I

    had to come out of my sad reverie. I cast a last glance around me at this lastbit of Spain, which seemed to have wanted to accompany me this far, to

    remind me of my promise that I would return. Inside myself I answered, Oh,

    yes, I shall return to Spain.

    Maman led me away and i set foot on land. The earth was burning hot. I

    woke up. People were running, shouting and waving. I found myself on a

    large quay. I kissed Godmother, Rafael, Carlos, and Coquito, who had cometo meet us. Uncle Gilbert arrived soon after. They desided that Thorvald and

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    I would spend the night at Aunt Antolina's and the next day we would rejoin

    Maman and Joaquinito, who were going to Aunt Eldemira's.

    The night went quite well. Before going to bed, I resigned myself to not

    feeling sad about New York, to keep still and keep my thoughts against this

    country to myself. Only I am indiscreet and I have told my diary everything.You wont say anything, will you, if I tell you that I hate New York and that

    I find it too big, too superficial, everything goes too fast. It is just hell.

    Linotte: 1914-1920

    July 29 1914 The Cathedral

    The first thing I saw was a large door supporting two life-size angels on two

    columns. A priest guided us through the church. The gilded silver altar was

    very large indeed. In front of it, on an antique table built entirely of oak was

    a huge book, a very old bible. Great beams everywhere in every nook and

    cranny of the altar. At one moment, when I had lagged a little behind, itbecame very dark. It was impressive and I felt as though I were in an ancient

    castle, but all those ideas flew away when maman called me. After crossing

    several galleries supported by beams and columns carved Latin scripture,

    the priest led us down a dark little staircase. We went down, not without risk

    of breaking our necks, and found ourselves in something like a walled

    dungeon. A shudder chilled my blood. The priest explained that this roomwas dug twelve feet below the sea, his voice resounding loudly amid those

    gigantic walls.

    Next he led us into the wall; at the back a 200-year old crucifix dominated

    the cave. The priest showed us three graves of preists and a bishop. Then heled us farther on to where the wall was entirely made up of holes that were

    used as tombs. He showed us a Virgin sculpted out of a single block of

    stone, very beautiful. The priest guided us toward a little staircase which we

    climbed, opened a large door to a kind of sacristy, but very big. He spoke aword to another preist, who opened a wardrobe and took out a huge bunch

    of keys. He opened another big wardrobe where we could see a magnificentminitiare altar, 18 inches high, all in gold. The cross was made of pearl

    mixed with gold thread, a marvel.

    The priest locked the wardrobe carefully and opened another, in which wecould admire a magnificent gold chalice set with pearls and with a big

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    emerald in the center. What wealth! After closing that wardrobe, he opened

    another where we admired the hilt of a sword that had belonged to a king of

    Spain. Maman then remarked,"Here you are able to preserve these things

    because the churches have never been pillaged, but in France all the relics

    were burned and looted." It's true, my poor country expelled her priests, hernuns, threw out everything, everything. I blush to think of it. For the first

    time France committed an act of which I shall always be ashamed. No, Idon't mean France, but her people, who really were not the French people

    but proud, envious, evil-minded, selfish people who joined together under

    the name of the French people.

    A Frenchman could never have had a dishonorable idea like that of driving

    out priests and nuns who only did good. No, no, I repeat, they were not

    French.

    August 1 1914

    I am eleven years old, I know, and I am not serious enough. Last night I said

    to myself: tomorrow I will be good. Good? I wasn't any better than I was theday before. Now here is a new month, and I haven't yet thought out how to

    be more sensible, how to master my impulses and my temper. I am ashamedto be so undisciplined. I hereby resolve that with God's help I will be more

    reasonable. Today the day is nearly over and it isn't much, but for the rest of

    the day I will observe silence. Not talk, but answer politely. Not seek outconversation, but work on my shawl, which must be finished at least by dayafter tomorrow.

    August 2 1914

    It is evening, I have been lost in contemplation and here is all my

    achievement:

    The moon, my visions

    The moon shines, the stars come out, a soft breeze caresses my meditation.On the right, one still sees the setting sun showing itself humbly behind the

    moon, which now rules the heavens. Finally the sun disappears altogetherand then the moon, shining still more brightly, proudly ascends the throne of

    the sun. I greet you, Madam, the stars seem to say.

    October 16 1914

    ADream by Anais

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    One day at my window, where I had so often wept and where so many bitter

    tears had fallen, I saw the one I love, the one I adore, suddenly appear. Full

    of love, I rushed into the arms that were stretched out toward me. Oh, what

    joy! Oh, happiness! I can't believe it! That day I knew the happiness of my

    father's kiss.

    October 18 1914

    How happy I am! I took Communion this morning and I have Jesus in myheart, so I feel very calm. I had lunch, prayed again, and here I am. I shall

    stop for now...It is late, everything is quiet, and in this silence I come toentrust my thoughts to my faithful confidant. I have thought deeply about

    the happiness that some children must feel having their father and mother

    near them. This morning at Communion I saw a father and a mother with a

    little girl of about six, all three taking Communion. Why can I not have myfather with me as well? Why can I not have the joy of Communion together

    with Papa and Maman?

    Alas, how long it has been makes me weep many times. Today I thought

    about it even more deeply and my Communion was just for Papa. For a longtime I repeated Papa, Maman. What sweet words! But afterward the truth

    came to me and my heart wept, wept. No one but God knows my bitter

    sorrow. My dreams are always about Papa. He comes back, I kiss him, he

    presses me to his heart. That moment is sweet, but afterward sadness comes

    again with the truth and my heart weeps and weeps again. Tonight I amsadder than ever and my sorrow is greater still. I am too sad to continue.

    November 15 1914

    Each time I take Communion the thought of Papa becomes sadder and Idon't know why. Last night I dreamed that I recieved a letter from Papa in

    which he said: I am coming. Oh, if it were true! What happiness, I would bethe happiest girl in the world. I write to Papa and always ask him to come. I

    keep hoping and perhaps he will come. At the moment of Communion, it

    seems more as though I am kissing and hugging Papa, rather than recieving

    the body of Christ. That moment is sweet. I am tired of saying to Papa, Isend you a big hug. I would like to hug him for real. I am jealous of the

    other little girls with their papas. I think that I might also be with him again.Well, no more about that.

    I think that here I shall never have occasion to write poetry becauseeverywhere all one sees are busy people, red stores and houses that are so

    tall one can hardly see the sky, which is always gray. Since this morning

    there hasn't been one minute without rain. The sky is darker still and the dayis sad.

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    1915

    January 25 1915

    Here I am once more, still in my humdrum life. My efforts are crowned bysmall successes that make me very happy. Ah, what wouldn't I do to please

    Maman and Papa. I don't like the piano, but if it's Maman who gives me my

    lesson, then I go at it with a great deal of pleasure. Maman sings, which

    makes me very sad because I remember when Papa accompanied her, and

    then I think of Brussels and the war. Today I fought against it but I amseized by a desire to become a nurse or something that would take me to

    France. I would like to be a man so that I could bear arms. Oh, how many

    thinks I would like to be, for I envy the sisters, too, who care for the

    soldiers, but alas, I am too little and I should give up those ideas. It's music

    that makes me sad. I am going to try and amuse myself. Last night Idreamed about piano music slow as a lullaby, about langorous and sad

    songs, about the harp with its sweet harmonious sounds, then about the faint

    voice of the guitar. I woke up crying, but I fell back asleep and dreamed thatI was saving France, that I was Joan of Arc and that she sang, Rise up,

    Anais, save France since that is your wish. I rushed forward and a quarter of

    an hour later the whole city shouted, Victory! Vive la France, vive Joan of

    Arc who gave Anais her strength. How happy I was. If only it were true.

    Vain illusions, I a girl, I who am so small, saving France.

    May 11 1915

    I wonder, when I let so many days go by without writing, if my diary thinks

    I have abandoned it! Oh, no, never. Fortunately I am not an ungratefulperson, and I promise my diary never to give it up, oh, no, never. I already

    feel very remorseful because I didn't begin my diary sooner. But I mustadmit that it was only when I began to keep a diary that my ideas began to

    take shape and pour forth. To whom could I have confided all the thoughts

    that fill my mind if not to a diary? Cinfidant that I love, do you promise

    always to keep the heart that I have given you, the thoughts that I haveexpressed only to you?

    May 20 1915

    I am Angela Anais Juana Antolina Rosa Edelmira Nin y Culmell. I am

    twelve years old at present. I am rather tall for my age, everyone says. I amthin. I have large feet and large hands with fingers that often are clenched

    with nervousness. My face is very pale and I have big brown eyes(1) that are

    vague and that I am afraid reveal my crazy thoughts. My mouth is big. I

    have a funny laugh, a passably nice smile. When I am angry, my mouthbecomes an ugly pout. Usually I am serious and somewhat distracted. My

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    nose is a bit the Culmell nose, by which I mean it is a little long, like

    Grandmother's. I have chestnut hair, not very light in color, which falls a

    little below the shoulder. Maman calls them locks of hair. I have always

    hidden them, either in a braid or tied back with a hair ribbon.

    My disposition: I get angrily easily. I can't stand to be teased but I like alittle to tease others. I like to work. I adore my mother and father and above

    all my aunts and all the rest of the family, not counting Maman, Papa,Thorvald, and Joaquinito. I love Grandmother. I am crazy about reading,

    and writing is a passion with me. I believe fervently in God and in

    everything God tells me through His holy Church. Prayer is something to

    which I have always had recourse. I don't love easily and become attached

    only to whom people I respect in my own way. I am a French girl who

    loves, admires, and respects her country, a real French girl. I admire Spain,although less, of course, and I especially admire Beligium.

    My diary knows my thoughts as well as I know them myself.

    August 13 1915

    In front of me stretches a green lawn shining in the sun. On theleft, a clumpof trees. In the distance, in front of me and behind me, the main avenue

    through the park. I am sitting all alone on a bench in the shade of a big tree.

    I was looking for solitude. I would liked to have been more alone, but

    Joaquinito didn't want to walk any farther, so without paying attention to the

    passerby, without listening to the murmur of the branches that are shaken bya very cool wind, I shall begin. Now, that is to say exactly today, if I am notmistaken, we have been here just a year. At this hour (noon) we were having

    dinner for the last time on theMonserrat, which now has been replaced by anew boat whose name I can't remember. It is one year, one year I have been

    in New York, a year full of work, of walks, and of endless dreams. I am too

    fond of dreaming. Is it because reality seems to me too sad? I am afraid so.

    Papa's absence turns into wishes, into dreams that are full of melancholy.

    But lets stay on the track. I said it was a year, a year that we are here, that I

    breathe the air full of ambition that fills New York, and heaven help me notto fall victim to it because ambition counts many victims. If I am not

    mistaken, it is two and a half years that I have been away from Papa...

    So I always come back to Papa and I shall stop because I don't want my

    diary to become as melancholy as I am.

    November 23 1915

    What is my role in the world? My eyes shine, I long to pierce the night from

    which secrets of the future are hidden and I push from me a mad, happydream of youth, telling myself my role is that of someone who is despised,

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    repulsed, whom no one loves, alas! That is harsh, but then my soul, freed

    from the earth can soar toward the infinite, toward the blue sky and the land

    of dreams. "Life," a word that means pain, the devouring passion that seizes

    us and lets go only with death. Life, a mournful word that weighs down my

    heart, but that draws near. Life begins when one is grown and withoutparents to shape it. My Life is coming closer. In a little while I shall have to

    support Maman and Papa. I must live. If I am looked down upon, Life forme will be like something despised. Life will no longer be my friend.

    Dreams are my Life, the dream that sustains the solitary person that I shall

    be for I say again, no man will want to be my master. A disposition such as

    mine is made to live in union only with solitude.

    1916

    February 2 1916

    I wanted to go over the last few pages that I wrote under the influence of a

    lot of sadness. The lines that follow will be the same, for if on the outside I

    seem fairly happy, rather rattle-brained, rather silly, inside I am very

    unhappy. I think and I gorget to be silly. The last time, my last words were, I

    run away from Life. What did I mean? I think I can explain. For me, life is:noise, madness, amusement or pleasure, bitterness. Since I run away from

    Life, I run away from all that, I long for silence. When there is no sound to

    be heard, when night covers the great city with her dark cloak, hiding theshining mask, then I feel as though I hear a mysterious voice speaking to

    me. I suppose the voice comes from me, since it thinks as I do. I stay a long

    time, half asleep. I don't feel anythin, I dream. I forget the earth, I forget

    everything, and I soar into an infinite without misery and without end. It

    seems to me I am looking for something, I don't know what, but when myfree spirit escapes from the powerful claws of that mortal enemy, the World,

    it seems to me I find what I wanted. Is it forgetfulness? Silence? I don't

    know, but that same voice speaks to me, although I think I am alone. I can't

    understand what it says, but I say to myself that in this world, one can never

    be alone and forget. I call that voice "my genie." Good or Evil, I don't know

    which.

    These are the thoughts of my heart, the deepest of my somber feelings, of...I

    am looking for a strange name for myself. Ah, of a Philanthropist. Oh, no, Ibelieve that means someone who wants to do good, and I admit I feel more

    like punishing, avenging, opening human eyes and hearts to the bayonet.What will my bayonet be? My pen. I am out of my mind! But if it's crazy,

    and I think it is, I promised myself to make a picture of my heart, and there

    it is.

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    February 22 1916 (Anais Nin's Birthday!)

    13 years old! An age when the world gives a glimpse of its abyss of

    pleasures. 13 years old! An age when the future, which yesterday seemed far

    away, comes to haunt one's dreams. 13 years old! An age when a locked

    heart opens, when one that is open becomes locked. 13 years old! Ana agewhen a little girl breaks the frail cocoon and becomes a young lady. I am 13

    years old!

    April 14 1916

    Description of Anais Nin by Marian Hearn

    Anais' humorous comments refuting her friend's lovely description of

    her in parantheses!

    Anais Nnn is very tall for her age, 13. (true) She has pretty dark-brown hair

    (very ugly) and big brown eyes (very ugly). When she laughs, you can see

    her white teeth (decayed, unfortunately), which are white as pearls

    (imitation). She was born in Paris (a great honor for anyone born there) and

    she has traveled almost everywhere in Europe (it's true).

    She has been here only a year and she is remarkably intelligent (like adonkey).

    She is gifted at composition and drawing (perhaps). She has a delightfuldisposition (I say, hum!) and is never angry (except when she flies into a

    rage). She is very good company because she is gay and polite everywhere.Everyone likes her (and hates her). The Sisters like her more (I suppose)

    because she is so good (bad) and so intelligent (I repeat, like a donkey).

    June 6 1916

    So I dream about a tall, strong man with black hair, white teeth, a pale

    mysterious face, dark melancholy eyes, a dignified walk and a distant smile.Something like the Count of Monte Cristo. Above all, with a soft, clear

    voice. I would like him to tell me about his life, which will be very sad and

    full of terrible, frightening adventures. I would like him to be rather proudand haughty, fond of books, and able to write or play some kind of musical

    instrument. We would spend every evening at home, in front of the fire in

    winter, in the garden in summer, with a book or a pencil, his hand resting on

    mine! Isn't that the way husbands are?

    If I ever should marry, I shall chose a man like that, and we shall write in

    this same diary together. Then my beloved diary will be the recipient of two

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    great secrets and will have two hearts to watch over. It will know two

    signatures, A.N. and...I would like it to be a fantastic and unknown name

    like...like...I don't know. All the same, I shall think about it some more and

    look for a good name.

    1917

    May 22 1917

    At half past five this afternoon, I was on the swing. My hair, which Maman

    had curled, sometimes covered my face, sometimes danced around my head.

    I wasn't thinking of much of anything when suddenly Thorvald called to me.

    He was sitting not far from the swing, busily whittling a boat with his knife.

    "Anais!"

    "What?""I have something important to tell you."

    "Well, tell me, I'm listening."

    "Do you think you're pretty?"

    "Ah, Thorvald, are you by any chance making fun of me? You know very

    well I don't, and on top of that I've convinced you that i'm not pretty. What

    more do you want?""I know someone who thinks you're pretty, though," said Thorvald with a

    little teasing air."Who?"

    "John O'Connell."

    I turned red, and Thorvald, who was watching me, added: "And he told also

    me that he wants you for his girl." At that point I almost fell off the swing

    and if Thorvald hadn't stopped it, I would have taken a tumble. He had to

    repeat what he had said three times and I couldn't believe him. There. Ipreferred John O'Connell to the other boys in my class, and now he tells my

    brother that he wants me for his "girl." As I write that, I smile, I smile

    serenly, happily, but a bit mockingliy. My goodness, what a little girl I stillam!

    Is it possible! A girl of 14? Yes, my little diary, it's true! Your crazy little

    confidante has found her knight, her tiny and nice little knight

    (American)...But he has beautiful blue eyes, nice manners, he is brave, and

    that's all I want. If I build castles in Spain, if I dream of magic voyages, etc.,

    it's John O'Connell that I'm thinking of.

    Let happen what will happen! It's a school game, a bit of foolishness forgirls like me who read too much, and who, alas! search too eagerly for the

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    living image of the heroes whose lives they have read about. And I am still

    smiling...I smile as I shall always smile at those games, which later on will

    become serious.

    December 31 1917

    Tomorrow a new year begins: 1918. What will our destiny be?

    Now, I take my old, old notebook, my old friend, and kiss it once, twice,

    then close it gently, letting an artificial tear fall on its pages...And I takeleave of it!

    Your devoted, memorable, affectionate friendAnais

    1918

    "...I am considered a very well-behaved girl who studies hard and does verywell. Only, as you see, I am sincere and I don't mind if my Papa knows that

    his daughter is a model of good conduct, kindness and above all, sweetness.

    1919

    March 22 1919

    I have just opened a new notebook and made a new friend. I have just closeda notebeook which is already full, and here I am face to face with one with

    blank pages to fill, and I hope with all my heart to be able to write things in

    it that I shall never be ashamed of. After a few days, dear new notebook,

    you will know me very well and will become aquainted with my ideas and

    the meanderings of my mad imagination. I shall try to write faithfully and

    sincerely every day and you will take your place with my other diaries andwritten with the same pen, next to the old red notebook that I have just

    finished.April 11 1919

    I wore my cape and my beautiful new shoes for the first time, which meant

    that I went to my dancing lesson putting on more airs than usual.

    May 15 1919

    It's a little difficult to explain what I have been thinking about the last few

    days. I have been living in a strange world, in an attack of reverie, with a

    change in my character which astonishes me a little. This is the result of the

    long hours that I spend alone thinking, I suppose. I couldn't write because

    when I tried to discover what I was dreaming about, I found only abottomless chasm the depths of which I couldn't sound.

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    Last night it was hot and I was leaning on the sill of the open window in the

    living room. Then my imagination got the better of me. A sinlge idea had

    taken possession of my dreams, a thing I had never, never thought of, an

    emptieness that I had never felt. I was alone and something was missing. It

    wasn't the love of my mother, my brothers or the rest of my family; I knewthat I wanted someone very strong, very powerful, very handsome who

    would me and whom I could love with all my heart. It is an image or an idolthat my dreams have created and that I am searching for in mortal form.

    Does he exist? And there, under the starry sky, the smiling moon, face to

    face with a horizon that doesn't go further than the end of the street, with my

    head in my hands, I sent a very sad prayer into infinite space: Love me,

    someone!

    I don't understand it all. I had never been aware of that immense empty

    space that can only be filled by a Shadow that my mind has created, that mydreams have given a soul.

    Then, with a calm smile, thinking no doubt of all the novels I have read, I

    took a large armchair and set it very close to my chair, and looking into theeyes of the one that my imagination placed there, I talked with him.

    May 22 1919

    I can assure you that it isn't necessary to say more than 14 1/2 words per

    day. It's much simpler, much easier, much wiser, much more intelligent tolisten to others talking and to thinkabout what they say, instead of saying

    something stupid. First, there is less noise in the house, and second I hadtime to analyze all the conversations that I heard and to "ruminate" like a

    cow about what was said.

    Also this great desire to write, and last, I guessed that everyone around me

    was very happy about my silence, because I never open my mouth except tosay silly things. There is only one drawback. Today by chance I didn't see

    the person to whom I would find it impossible to say only 14 1/2 words in a

    day. I mean Mr. Madriguera.

    May 26 1919

    Book after book. Gradening when my eyes refuse to read. Dreams and

    dreams. Zounds!

    June 13 1919

    During the last two hours, I have been busy rereading several of my diaries,from the one I began in 1914 on the ship that was to carry me far away from

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    Spain, down to the lines I wrote two hours ago.

    I have gone through so many impressions. At first I couldn't read the

    dreadful handwriting and horrible spelling, for I was only eleven years old.

    But I could read my character, and with the help of memory, I could follow

    with breathless interest the changes that events have made on mypersonality. I arrived in New York with my mind made up to detest it. I was

    ignorant, shy, naive, like a country girl. Slowly I grew up; I wrote thingsthat I found unexplainable at the time and that I now understand. I am sad

    and happy. Around me, the natural and inevitable tragedy of life unfolds.

    My personality is developing, my handwriting is changing, my spelling is a

    little better, my ideas are becoming clear and precise. I am neither naive or

    shy, and am less ignorant. At 16 I have changed so much that right now,

    when I analyze my feelings, I understand that the little eleven-year-old girland hercharacter exist only in the notebooks.

    This transformation, which is so normal, is like an abyss that makes medizzy. It is a deep mystery of nature that takes my breath away. Even now, I

    may be on the threshold of another transformation, on the threshold of

    another being that will be added to or will replace the one I am about to

    leave behind, as one gets rid of an old worn coat. What food for thought.

    September 1 1919

    Yesterday afternoon I wrote a short story. Suddenly, unexpectedly, a greatmany ideas have come to me and I recieve them with pleasure, as this

    doesn't often happen. When the story was finished, I got busy and copied itcarefully. I fell asleep last night dreaming that I had taken it to a publisher

    who frightened me terribly and told me that I could do better. And now

    today, obsessed by that dream, I wrote another one that is much better. I am

    a tiny little bit discouraged because I write rather like a child, not like a lady,

    and I haven't yet been able to correct that. I have only one aim: as soon as I

    am in New York, I will type my story on the machine and putting all mysensitiveness and especially my fear of being ridiculous to one side, I will

    really go to see that terrible publisher...It's strange how this real ambition

    has suddenly come to life. For a long time I have written nothing except mydiary, and I had somewhat lost hope of ever becoming an author. It's my

    French that worries me, but lo and behold, I have English at my disposal

    now, and I can write it better than any other language! Furthermore, I am

    here in the great country of opportunity, so I can try. And what enthusiasm

    is tied to this dream of hope and ambition! I have never taken lessons in howto write stories, I never went very far in school, and yes, there is a lot of

    discouragement, things that make me feel doubts about my career, but alsothere is that inexplicable something that I was born with it, and little by little

    experience will teach me all the things that I lack.

    November 22 1919

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    The thing i most want to tell you about is the few hours I spent outside.

    Thorvald has always aid that all of his friend's sisters are very jolly, whereas

    I never "play" with him. Today I was making the beds and when I opened

    the window to air the room, I became absorbed in watching Thorvald and

    Joaquinito playing ball, falling onto piles of dry leaves, running hard, andmaking the air ring with their shouts and laughter. I strted to think how

    young they are, how much fun they have, and that I would like to do thesame. Suddenly the idea struck me that at 16, I am not old! So I made the

    beds in a few seconds and ran into my room to put on a sweater and a tam-

    o'-shanter. Before going out, I had time to notice that I was very pale. Once

    outside, I took part in all their crazy games, and I have never laughed so

    much or run so much. I played like a little girl! When I was tired of playing,

    I got on the swing and swung clear up to the branches of the big trees. I hadto go in because I was hungry and all three of us had a snack of fruit and

    cookies.When I went upstairs to take off my sweater, I was astonished at the

    transformation I saw in the mirror. Thorvald was extremely pleased as well!

    I dread Sundays because of going to Mass in that subterranean church!

    Luckily Sunday comes but once a week.

    December 31 1919 *New Years Eve*

    What a quiet way to await the beginning of another year! There must

    be many other things to think about that are more important than the

    passage of time, since so many other things stir our enthusiasm and

    drive us to act. That proves that Time doesn't rule through the power of

    the Inevitable, and that the Inevitable isn't Life.

    There are the bells, the whistles. Happy New Year! Happy New Year!

    JANUARY 16 1920

    I am almost at the end of another notebook. But oh! how few

    adventures I will have written if nothing else happens before the last

    page! To be sure Maman is definately leaving for Cuba, but that is

    rather sad, and I always feel gloomy when she is going away.

    Also, if I write so much everyday, I will not be able to tell you in here

    about my 17th birthday! I ought to shorten my chats, but I was born

    with a terribly long pen instead of a long tongue, and the dozens of

    letters I write seem like a drop in the water--I always want to write

    more!

    If only you had a tongue, my little diary! You know that there was a

    sculptor who created a statue that came to life, and people made a

    snow-child that also came to life! From one moment to the next, I expect

    a little movement, a smile. I created you. Oh, become somebody!

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